How To Attract More Women

Part of getting better at meeting and dating women is recognizing the reality that it's partially a numbers game. Tight social skills, flirting, and a high level of self-confidence will get you a long way, but they can't guarantee you attraction or success with any particular woman with certainty. Therefore, any man who's interested in getting better at meeting women needs to confront the reality that he's going to be starting conversations with a great many different women, and learning in the process. Because of this, it's important to consider what to do in order to cross paths with as many single women as possible.

The big picture

The reality is that if you live in a small town versus New York City, the spectrum of potential women to interact with is going to be radically different. In the small town, you will likely encounter the same small number of women over and over again, and many or most of them will be in relationships. Getting more experienced with women and dating will be much more challenging when you don't meet many new people and social circles are more static. On the other hand, in a dynamic and changing big city environment, there will be many different places for you to explore and improve your dating and social skills. You will be able to take more risks and meet more different women without getting a reputation as a "player". (On the other hand, a "player" reputation is also less likely to hurt you in some social circles.)

College is a special case - there will be a lot of unattached women around, but it's not nearly as anonymous as living in a large city, so your reputation will precede you. In this case, your best bet is in building up your social circle, including lots of women among your friends, and honing your reputation as a cool, social guy.

Go where the women are

A simple proposition: in order to meet women, you need to go where women habitually go. It sounds obvious, but lots of guys don't get it right and then wonder why they aren't meeting any new girls.

At night, this might mean that you can't hang out with all your male buddies at Sporty's Bar and Grill (50 TVs!) and expect to be able to meet a lot of new women. Instead, by going to a popular bar or high street where women tend to go out, you can find a lot more opportunity and choice.

During the day, malls, shopping streets, bookstores, food courts and coffee shops are potential places to find a high number of women.

Gyms, yoga studios and other activity-based locations have their ups and downs. On the one hand, you're guaranteed to have at least something in common with any woman you meet. On the other, a woman at the gym or immediately following her yoga class is unlikely to be very to meeting men - she'll probably feel messy, sweaty, and tired.

Day or night

Depending on whether you go out during the day or night, there are a few things to keep in mind.

At night, the energy level of most people is higher than during the day. They tend to be in a party mood, drinking more, and more open to meeting and talking with strangers. This is one reason why lots of guys like going out at night. Because of this, you should be ready to speak louder, turn your own energy up higher, and be prepared to deal with more noise and distractions than you would encounter during the day. Also, women tend to go out in groups, so when you see someone that you're interested in, you should expect that she's out with a group of friends and be prepared to interact with all of them.

During the day, on the other hand, you're more likely to encounter women on their own, moving from one task to another. Opening a conversation in the same way that you would at a bar or club is not a good idea - the energy level will be a lot lower, and a woman is more likely to be out on her own and wonder why this strange guy is engaging her in conversation. So calibrate your energy level lower and set her mind at ease right at the start of the conversation. Also, in contrast to nightlife, women during the day are likely to be in a responsible, "business" frame of mind and will probably have less time to talk. Therefore, it's important to get to the point as soon as you can.

Overall, by placing yourself in situations where you're likely to find a lot of women, and then starting conversations with many of them, you can place yourself on the path to success in dating and meeting women.

Flirting is a subject that scares off a lot of men, but it doesn't have to. Since women are socialized to be better communicators from an early age, they tend to be more familiar with the nuances of flirting. This leaves some men at a disadvantage. However, the good news is that learning to flirt and getting better at it is not as hard as it may seem. And it's a great way to attract women.

Emotional communication

The key to good flirting is subtext. There's a surface level conversation that's going on, and then there's the "real" conversation that is going on underneath the surface. By understanding the romantic and sexual conversation that's going on in the subtext, and conveying an awareness of that, you can show off your flirting mastery. The key is to keep the sexual subtext unspoken - if you bring it into the conscious awareness of the woman that you're speaking with, you may make things awkward and spoil the fun. By giving her "plausible denial", you can talk about all kinds of taboo and forbidden subjects more easily. This can create attraction a lot more easily than a bland conversation about facts and things. It's also a lot more fun.

Build a connection then break it

Another approach to flirting that is a lot of fun involves building your conversational rapport and then breaking it. For example, if you're involved in a nice conversation with a woman and have built up some level of rapport, you can have some fun throwing in something random like: "You and I could never be friends. We're too similar. We'd drive each other crazy." This might not make sense to a guy - you probably wouldn't want to do this while getting to know a new male friend. However, lots of women have a great time with these kind of statements - they are a little unpredictable and leave lots to the imagination. ("Why doesn't he want to be my friend?", "How are we similar?", "Why would we drive each other crazy?") By leaving these questions unanswered, you can leave her guessing and keep the flirtatious mood going. Needless to say, many women find this attractive, as long as you've built up a baseline of conversation already. If this is the first thing you say to her, there's no rapport to break and you are a lot more likely to get a strange look than to start a good interaction.

Don't take anything seriously

The more skilled you get at flirting, the more you will intuitively understand when you can be really outrageous, and when you would be better off dialing it back a bit. A great way to flirt is to misinterpret everything a woman says to you, preferably sexually or in a similarly inappropriate manner.

When you get experienced at this, you will encounter some situations where you go too far and the woman you're speaking with appears to get offended. Every case is different, so this is a test of your rapport and understanding of the situation. She may actually be offended, or she may be testing you. Regardless of which it is, it's a very bad idea to get completely serious and start apologizing. This will break the flirtatious mood and let all the air out of the balloon of sexual tension and uncertainty that you have built up. Better to change the subject completely and take the conversation in a different direction rather than leave the conversation in an overly serious state for too long.

As you've probably guessed by now, flirtation is really an art rather than a science. It's an excellent way to convey your interest in a woman in a direct but non-needy way. It's also lots of fun.

The process of being attractive to girls starts long before you walk over to her and spit out your best "pickup line". For that matter, the concept of a magical "pickup line" that gets any and all girls interested in you, is actually a serious barrier to creating attraction. But don't worry - there's a better way.

Even though it may sound like a cliche, making yourself into the best and most confident version of yourself is about the best way to increase your attractiveness to girls.

Be confident

Your self-confidence is expressed in a variety of ways. Even before you walk over to speak to a woman, she can see your posture, your choices of personal grooming, dress, and fitness, and your body language and eye contact. These non-verbal signals communicate a lot, and it's in your best interest to make them the best that you can be. Consider one guy who's wearing an oversized sweat suit with BBQ sauce stains on the shirt, standing with his arms crossed and his shoulders hunched, and looking down at the floor. Now consider another guy who's wearing a well-fitting button down shirt and jeans, standing erect but relaxed with his chest raised, and who makes confident eye contact. Other things being equal, which guy do you think will get more female attention? Obviously, this is an extreme example for contrast, but women really notice these things.

You don't have to look or dress like a model to pay attention to these things - just play to your strengths and do your best with what you have. The more passive attraction you build, the more work is already done for you, and less effort you have to exert at building attraction through interaction and conversation.

Get your life together

Girls are attracted to guys who have taken charge of their own reality and their own lives. "Having it together" in your life and expressing that fact in your confidence in yourself is a great source of attraction for women. This emerges in a few different ways.

First, it's important to have a direction in life - one or more passions and serious goals. A guy with a focus and a chosen path into the future is more attractive to a girl than a guy who's aimless and just letting things happen to him. A girl can easily imagine both intensity and focused masculine energy, as well as apathy, carrying over into the bedroom.

A positive attitude is important as well. This doesn't mean that you should be naive or uncritical, but a basic optimism about your life and your direction is a lot more attractive than negativity and complaining. Expecting a woman to make you happy or rescue you from the problems in your life is a very unlikely way to generate attraction. You may get some attention from women who want to "save" the men in their lives, but this isn't usually a healthy dynamic. Create your own positive energy by living your life in the best way you can, and let that energy help you in attracting women.

Make the interaction fun

Once you've got the passive attraction handled as best you can, you've got to go out and actually speak to some women. Generally speaking, a woman's going to be more attracted to a guy if she has fun and feels pleasurable emotions in his presence. By creating a mood of excitement, light-heartedness, unpredictability and humor in your conversation, you will be on the road to creating a feeling of attraction in the woman that you're speaking with. Some men make the mistake of thinking that "deep" conversation automatically means that a woman's attracted to him. That can sometimes be true, but truly serious conversations often lack the zest and sparkle that create genuine romantic or sexual attraction. Therefore, avoid subjects that are too somber or depressing, and keep the vibe flirtatious and fun between you and the girl you're speaking with.

By covering all the bases of passive attraction - everything that happens before you open your mouth - and active attraction - everything that goes on in the interaction between you and a woman - you can increase the chances that the girl you are interested in at the other side of the bar will feel the same way about you.

A lot of guys who have just started learning about how to get better at meeting women and dating have the impression that getting phone numbers is really important. To some degree, this is true - a girl giving you her phone number (or other contact information) could mean that she's interested in staying in touch with you in the future. However, it could mean a lot of other things as well, and less experienced guys don't necessarily realize this. For example, she might view that as the best way to end the conversation with you and go back to her friends. She might have a people-pleasing personality and give her number to everybody who asks, but then never answer the phone.

Therefore, instead of viewing "getting her number" as the goal, make your goal to have an interesting conversation with her. If you wind up having a really positive interaction, and she thinks so too, you'll know it. Most women, if they really want to stay in touch with you, will make sure, in no uncertain terms, that you have her number. (However, don't depend on this - if she doesn't ask, be sure to ask her!)

Give her a reason to keep talking with you

For a woman to be comfortable sharing her phone number with you, she needs to feel like you are someone that she actually wants to speak with, and hang out with, in the future. If your category in her mind is "random guy talking my ear off at McTuckey's Bar", it's pretty unlikely that she's going to want to stay in touch with you. On the other hand, if she views you as "that cool guy I talked with for half an hour, and I would have hung out longer, except that my silly girlfriends wanted to leave the bar and go dancing at a club", then she's much more likely to want to connect in the future.

When you've built up enough mutual interest and attraction, it will feel natural for both of you to want to spend time together in the future. At or past that point, asking for her number will feel right for both of you - it will just "make sense" on both an emotional and intellectual level.

Is it really her phone number you want?

Instead of asking for her phone number, and considering that the end of your interaction, make it your goal to take the interaction as far as it can go.

Look at it this way - the only reason why you want her number is so that you can get in touch with her in the future, and ask her to join you in some activity at that future time. Well, guess what? You're already doing something with her, in real life. It isn't always possible, but there's no harm in asking her to join you in an activity right on the spot. If you're at a bar, ask her out for food or to tag along with you to a different bar. If you're talking to her at the mall or in the street, invite her for coffee or a snack.

If things are going well between you, there's no need to break the momentum of your interaction by asking for her number and possibly giving her the impression that you're returning to your friends, or going to a different bar. Keep the interaction going as your first priority. If and when that doesn't work, then get her number so that you can reconnect later on.

When you are interacting with a woman that you are interested in, and want to get her interested in you too, you can't speak to her in the same way that you speak to your buddies. This fact goes well beyond subjects of interest - if you find a woman who's interested in football and cars, and speak with her in the same way as you speak with your friends, you will have an interesting conversation but little else. You won't be likely to see her getting attracted to you.

Feelings not facts

In a typical male conversation, the communication is based on facts and information. Whether it's "jocks" talking about sports, or "nerds" talking about the technical details of the newest Intel chips, a male conversation is usually focused on sharing information and building a common understanding about facts.

A typical female conversation is quite different, and men who don't understand this are at a disadvantage when it comes to communicating with and attracting women. When communicating and telling stories, women tend to focus more on the emotional experience rather than the facts of the experience.

In order to connect with your male buddies, it's easy enough to narrate the story - I went skiing with a couple of friends, it was really cold at the top of the mountain, we got tired around 5 pm, and we went for beers at the lodge. To connect better with a woman, you could tell the same story but with much more emotional content. What's your personal connection to the friends you went skiing with, and how do you feel about them? Why do you prefer skiing to other activities - what feelings and emotions does it raise within you?

By digging deeper and going beyond the facts, you can communicate more deeply and build a connection on an emotional level. In doing this, you're much more likely to create a feeling of shared experience and common ground. Attraction is much more likely to emerge from this kind of connection than an impersonal conversation about "facts".

Lead the conversation

Leading the conversation is a key action that creates attraction. A man responding and reacting to everything a woman says may make her feel safe and listened to, but it's unlikely to create any attraction. On the other hand, taking charge and leading the conversation pushes a lot of deep, primal buttons that are essential for generating a feeling of attraction in a woman.

Taking charge doesn't mean being rude or not listening. In a lot of ways, it can be more considerate because it makes things simpler and easier for the woman you're speaking with - you're taking the lead to make sure she has an interesting and positive experience as she interacts with you. It could mean that you tell a story or describe one of your experiences, and then give her time and space to respond and relate your story to her own experience. This helps increase rapport and build a connection.

Another benefit of leading the conversation is that it gives you the opportunity to select topics that will create attraction. In one sense, there's no good or bad subject of conversation, only good or bad conversations. On the other hand, some subjects are more likely than others to lead to positive interactions and positive emotions.

Good topics include friends, lifetime goals, favorite experiences or places, and important values. Bad topics include war, genocide, environmental disasters, cruelty and other "downers".

By leading the conversation and communication on an emotional level and not just a factual level, you create a good context for generating a shared connection and creating attraction.

Every man who decides to improve his life in the area of women and dating realizes that in order to get better, he is going to face a lot of apparent rejection and disapproval. The good news is that the more of this you face, the easier it becomes to face it. Eventually, you are indifferent to negative reactions from women that you speak to. This helps you attract women more easily.

Ultimately, it's just part of the process of meeting women - some interactions are going to "click" and some aren't. To take this personally misses the point - it's not about any individual interaction going well, but about understanding the process and the big picture.

It's not about you

When you approach a woman and start a conversation in a typical way, any rejection that you receive has far more to do with what's going on inside her mind and less to do with what you did or didn't do. Although it may not feel that way the first few times you're rejected harshly, it really has less to do with you than you think. She might be a lesbian who's frustrated that men "always hit on her" at bars. She might be upset because she just lost her job. She might have a cold and a headache, and be out at the bar because her friends dragged her. It's just not personal, so don't treat it like a big deal.

Exposure will desensitize you

The more times you face so-called "rejection", the thicker your skin gets, and the less it bothers you. By the time you've approached a few hundred women that you've never met before, starting a conversation with a stranger will be as easy and as common for you as breathing is now. The more different kinds of interactions that you have - "good", "bad", and "neutral" - the more you will realize how irrelevant an apparent negative reaction is. It doesn't mean anything about you unless you decide it does.

Make it into a game

One way to make the process of building experience with rejection more fun is to do it with friends. Going out with a cool wingman and making the process into a game adds fun to the experience of learning how to get better with women. The first few seconds after a harsh rejection or an overreaction from a woman may sting a bit. When you tell your friends about it, and forever after, it becomes a cool story. The more extreme the rejection, the better the story you can tell in the future! ("Can you believe that overreaction? All I did was go over and ask her how her evening was going!")

Another obvious benefit of this is that your friends can help keep you focused. A less experienced guy may lose focus and end up in a bad mood after a harsh rejection if he's at a bar alone. With a friend or two close at hand to cheer him up and get him back on track, he's a lot more likely to get back on track.

Here's something to think about - the guys who are the best in the world at this, the dating coaches and "pickup artists" still get rejected a large percentage of the time. The difference is that it's 80% or 90% of the time instead of 99% or 99.9% of the time. Even for the most experienced, rejection never goes away. It just becomes irrelevant.

Confidence with women feels like a big deal for a lot of men, especially those with less experience. The reality is that gaining experience in social situations with women is the best way to develop confidence in that situation. Of course, confidence is a mindset and an attitude, so developing that experience with the right frame of mind is important too. However, this will tend to occur naturally as you become more and more familiar with these kind of situations.

Familiarity and repetition are your friends

It's hard for some guys to be confident in an unfamiliar situation where they feel uncomfortable.

Meeting and dating women is a situation where experience contributes to increased confidence. There's really no way around this - other things being equal, a guy who's approached 1000 women over the past year is probably going to be more confident in his interactions and conversations than a guy who's approached 100 women over the past year.

Every interaction is unique, but with experience, you see more and more different situations. You begin to realize that almost nothing that happens in social interactions with women is ever a big deal. You also begin to realize that rejection usually has so little to do with you personally, that it's just not worth worrying about.

Approach to learn something, not to get something

A lot of guys "psych themselves out" by developing some kind of agenda in their minds before they approach a woman - for example, "I need to get her phone number" or "I need to win her over". This kind of needy agenda is unproductive because it frames the interaction in terms something that the guy can either win or lose. It also saps confidence.

Instead of this mindset, it's better to approach with the intention of seeing what she's like, learning whether she's an interesting person, and so forth. This way, even the most vicious "rejection" (an unlikely possibility, by the way) is a success - you learned something interesting about this woman, even if it's just that she's best left alone.

If you want to set a goal or an objective for your night out meeting women, make sure that you set your goal as something that is completely under your own control. For example, set a goal of "start conversations with 12 women or groups" rather than "get 4 phone numbers". You control the outcome of the first goal, but not the second goal.

Qualify her, not the other way around

Sometimes when a man approaches a woman, he does it in an underconfident way that almost guarantees rejection - for example, hoping that she will like him, or hoping that she will meet his standards. This is not the way that a confident man with choice and high standards behaves. Imagine a great male film character (e.g. James Bond) approaching a woman in this way - it just doesn't make sense.

The best attitude to have in mind when you approach a woman is an attitude of wondering if she'll measure up to your own high standards as a worthy and high-value man. Does she share your values and interests? Do you have things in common, that would justify you spending your valuable time in conversation with her?

For a man without a lot of experience in interacting socially with women, this is indeed a "fake it till you make it" pose. After enough experience, however, a man will realize that spending time in dull conversation with a woman who shares little in common with him is just not a good use of his time. He will start making sure that she's meeting his standards, before getting into a long conversation.

Many men want to meet more women for a lot of different reasons - finding a life partner, dating seriously, or just casual dating and hook-ups. Regardless of your personal reasons for seeking to meet more women, there are a few important things you can do to improve your chances.

Attitude is (almost) everything

Before you ever enter a social situation, you can give yourself a great advantage - or else shoot yourself in the foot - with your attitude.

An attitude of defeatism and pessimism is contagious and no one wants to be around someone like this when they are out to have fun. Since women are, on average more sensitive and emotionally intelligent than men, this kind of mind state will often actually discourage women from interacting with you. Therefore, you get a negative, self-fulfilling prophecy. So do your best to avoid going out to meet women in a negative state of mind.

Instead, a positive outlook and an attitude of openness and confidence is a great mindset to have when going out to meet women.

Make the most of what you've got

Sometimes guys enter a complaining frame of mind where they look at other men who are successful with women, and figure out what makes them "different". Seeing a tall man who's good at meeting women, they may conclude that "girls only go for tall guys" (substitute "rich guys", "athletes", "models", "bodybuilders", and so forth, and you get the idea).

The fact is, for every weakness that a guy could name that makes him "unable" to be successful with women, an experienced coach can probably recall several clients who had that very same "weakness", and who nevertheless meet, attract, and date lots of attractive women.

No one's perfect, and everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Instead of complaining and then making an excuse out of something that you don't control, focus on your strengths and build them up. For example, being "too short" doesn't prevent you from having a confident and positive attitude, dressing really well, and being in excellent physical shape. Work hard on the things that you can control. Don't worry about your so-called weaknesses - if they don't bother you, they are a lot less likely to bother a woman that you're interacting with.

Give without expecting to receive, and make it fun

Imagine if you met a guy at a bar who seemed extra-friendly and yet clingy, and acted as if he really needed to become your best friend, right now. Pretty creepy, right?

Unfortunately, some guys go into interactions with a woman feeling like they need to "get something" from her - be it a phone number, physical contact (anything from a kiss to sex), or just some kind of emotional validation and approval. This kind of "needy" mindset is toxic, and women can sense it easily.

Instead of looking to "get something" from an interaction with a woman, go in with an attitude of openness and curiosity - for example, to find out what she's like, enjoy a conversation with her, and perhaps to add some happiness to her day.

With this approach, it's impossible to be rejected - all that can happen is that you satisfy your curiosity. Perhaps she wanted to talk, perhaps she was in a bad mood and didn't want to talk, perhaps she was very lonely and receptive to your conversation.

The process of meeting and dating women starts inside your own head. After that, you need to take decisive action and actually go out to meet women. And to increase your success, it's best to take that action in the right way, with the right mindsets and attitudes.